Have you been told that you need to forgive and forget? That you
need to just get over it? That it's time to move on? That time
will heal all wounds? That you should just put on a happy face?
That advice is hogwash, plain and simple. It's what people say
when they don't know what else to say to you, and they are
experiencing discomfort at witnessing your emotions. If you
follow this well-meaning, but completely wrong advice, you lose
out on the priceless opportunity to learn from your pain and
create a better future. Instead, you'll bury your pain, creating
a future full of bitterness, despair, and hypocrisy. And worse,
every lesson you don't learn the first time around, will surely
come back to give you another chance and generally in a more
painful form.
So, forget all that cliched advice from people who have never
walked in your shoes, and learn from me, an ultimate overcomer.
Here is my three step plan for victory over pain, loss, and
grief.
1. Accept that everything in the past happened for a purpose.
Those horrible. painful, or disappointing things that are
causing you such pain today have brought you great gifts. They
have made you into the person you are today, and they are the
key to the person of greatness that you are becoming.
Until you can really see and embrace the gifts in the losses
that haunt you, you will never be able to fully release the
emotions surrounding them. You'll be able to stuff them down,
and pretend they aren't there, but that gives them even more
power over your life.
I have found enormous power in embracing the pain of the past
and the gifts it brought me. Just one example - it has given me
the ability to communicate hope to people who are going through
grief and loss. I would never be able to do that if I had just
stuffed it down without first doing the hard work of finding the
gifts.
When I was going through the process of couples counseling to
try to save a marriage that was dead, a woman came into my life.
She kept asking me if I had found the gift yet. For about a
year, I thought she was batty. How could there be a gift in so
much pain and loss? Yet I knew there had to be one because her
husband put her through so many different kinds of hell that if
she found a gift in her experience, that meant there had to be
one for me, too.
She used the power of the gifts from her past to whisper hope to
me, to walk alongside me through my grief, to love me when I was
angry and unloveable, and to believe in me when I couldn't
believe in myself. I thank God every day that she did.
Because she persisted in speaking hope into what appeared to be
a hopeless situation, I went looking for a gift in the midst of
great tragedy and despair, and I found not just one gift, but an
abundance of riches. If I had simply pretended to get over it
and put on a happy face, those riches, rightfully mine, would
have remained unclaimed. And I would have remained miserable.
2. Forgive everyone you feel had anything whatsoever to do with
the pain of the past.
Not only do you need to forgive the offender, but also the
people who didn't help you the way you think they should have,
the people who helped in the wrong way, and the people who
unwittingly made things worse by careless comments or actions.
You may also need to forgive God or your personal Higher Power.
The pain of loss often remains unresolved because we refuse to
admit to ourselves that we pridefully believe that we didn't
deserve what happened to us. This belief will trap you in pain
and despair even if you have forgiven everyone else on your list.
Finally, you must forgive yourself. If you ever find yourself
thinking, "I should have known...." or "How could I have been so
stupid?" or "I could have done something to change what
happened", then your biggest task is forgiving yourself.
You may be thinking that forgiveness is hard. You've struggled
with it in the past, and it seems nearly impossible now in the
midst of your pain.
Forgiveness will become easy once you have claimed your
gifts, because there is no longer any reason to be angry at
anyone. Every person you need to forgive, including yourself,
were all part of the process in which you recieved wonderful,
life-transforming gifts. After you've done your work on the
first step, forgiveness will be easy because it turns into
gratitude. And gratitude will always turn into an abundance of
powerful, life-affirming gifts.
3. Be prepared to learn a new lesson
One of the benefits of dealing with your past pain mindfully
instead of stuffing your emotions is that you won't have to
repeat that lesson. Your awareness has evolved to a higher
level. You are now open to learning your life lessons with much
less pain while recieving more gifts and an even higher level of
awareness.
Wouldn't it be easier to learn your lessons the first time,
receive the gifts almost immediately, and then walk through
forgiveness into ever-increasing gratitude and abundance?
There is so much more richness in embracing the past and
mindfully mining it for the wisdom, forgiveness, beauty and
abundance within it than there is in putting on a happy face. In
my life empowerment groups, one of the principles we embrace is
this: "We believe that each day we are a new creation, so we are
not defined by our past. We acknowledge, however, that our past
affects where we are starting today and can help us understand
our current journey."
We were created in the divine image with memories, not so that
the past would be a burden on us, but so that we could learn and
grow from the past. Simply stuffing the painful experiences of
the past without doing the mindful work around the attached
emotions will attract similar lessons into our lives.
I challenge you to follow these simple steps to claiming your
blessings of the past while releasing the emotions surrounding
the events that brought you those blessings. You've got nothing
to lose but pain and bitternes, and nothing to gain but joy and
abundance.
You don't have to go through this process alone. I have support
groups that will whisper hope into your situation, love you when
you are unloveable, believe in you when you can't, and walk
alongside you in your grief. Send an email to
life-empowerment@wingstosoaroverstorms.com for more information
on reclaiming your life.
About the Author:
Liz Shaw is a Christian Life Coach who specializes in helping
people develop a successful and fulfilling lifestyle. Sign up
for her inspirational ezine, Wings To Soar, at
http://www.wingstosoaroverstorm.com/
Turn Your Pain into Blessings
